too busy to art and don't give a damn

I just need to say: I cannot commit to taking on any new artistic projects, or whatever else I keep biting off whimsically and stupidly, thinking I can just sit behind a computer anymore and churn out. Like my loop which is due near the end of next week.

My baby takes priority.

I admit now, as a single/solo mum, whilst my babysitters have been travelling overseas, I have been going bonkers.

And I keep whittling away my free time when she is conked out just doing this. Because making animation demands too many braincells and too much mental energy.

I need to prioritise my own sanity, and being a good mum.

I am not looking for work.

Also, I am not ever putting her in childcare.

I know a career is a source of 'me time' for many mums, that's seems to be the reason they work again half the time. But I wanted to be a present and very creative human being. I want to be there for her as she begins to take on the world.

She is becoming super demanding of my attention right now, already.

Therefore, I will try my best to sneak in the time to finish my LoopdeLoop, but I went nearly mental yesterday because I was so ridiculously exhausted. I will keep trying, but I don't enjoy looming deadlines, even monthly ones (I started late for this loop anyways).

A grandmother I talked to at a playgroup this morning mentioned: 'Nobody tells you how hard it is.'

Damn straight.

skinny

We are not just a body type you can insult as not being 'womanly' for not having heaps of curves, yet lust over constantly. I'm cranky and lonely tonight, so go away.

learning to say no to things

It's true babies absorb the time which you could be throwing energy into literally countless other commitments. And when you're solo mum managing your baby all on own, you have your buttons pushed. 

You will be tested. 

But the secret joy of childrearing is for me, that it makes the quiet time so so sooo much sweeter.

Being a solo mum is damn fulfilling. The dread I had felt every 8pm in my not-so-distant past, has completely vanished at some unknown moment I cannot pinpoint during this last year. I don't feel the existential, nagging, shaking and horrible emptiness that seized my heart and told me art was 'gone'.

Because my art isn't gone.

Instead nowadays at 8pm you'll find me on my sofa with bubs passed out alongside me. I maybe mindlessly blog, or maybe mindlessly check chats, or put some lines down on my animations and paintings, or maybe mumble along to Spotify on my smart TV if I'm feeling musical, but that's all the good life for me.

Despite the hectic mum life, I yearn to keep making art. I'm glad keeping up art is completely do-able. You don't have to abandon your main passion by becoming a mum, but you do have to be careful about what extra obligations you agree to from here on out!

Ever since bubs was born, then I went back to uni to finish my last semester part-time, it has been absolute madness in terms of managing my creative/emotional energy and time. Especially whilst 'grandpa' is travelling, as not having a single babysitter available for a week when you're a solo mum means you really can't expect to catch a break...

So much extra junk I agreed to on a whim, simply because I thought something sounded fun, is now something I severely regret ever agreeing to.

My enthusiasm for random events and projects barely lasts for a week regarding most shit I've jump at. I often abused myself and thought it was because I never finish anything.

But then again, I am finish looping animations, I am finish zines, I finished my Bachelor of Arts degree? 

The truth is, you can't do a billion projects at once. I am just maturing and balancing out. I don't take on too much lately because my baby is at the forefront of my mind. I'm more mature in managing my emotional energy/time and finding out what is the best use of my time, but yeah I am still prone to jumping at some whims.

I bravely proposed to organise the Global Game Jam for Adelaide next late January, only since I know local people distinctly said they can't be stuffed to organise it anymore. I won't complain further as they may read this, but TDLR; I am trying to host the GGJ only in case a handful of South Australians such as myself want to have the choice to participate next January. They deserve to join a local jam site if they feel like it. 

It's a community service to have it available for South Aussie devs.

Therefore, I won't feel embarrassed if only even two jammers actually do the Adelaide GGJ in the end. I won't feel bad. Because I want to maybe make a 2D animated game. Not pixel art fellas, but my full animated TVPaint style. Something interesting.

But I am not overthinking, getting stressed and killing the fun with anything I do anymore. I don't have enough 'spoons' in the cutlery drawer, as the youngsters say!

I am trying to instead, commit to only super creative and/or social events from here on out. I am not interested in networking, studying masters/honors/whatever, or really even attempting to barge my way into any artistic industry. Especially the smhoozing, as I never liked that tactic to begin with.

But hey, if you like my animations, I'm here! I'm a full-time mum with a big time passion for animating. Always have been, nothing new about that. I highly doubt foofah whatever studio recruiters value my unique life experience and current work, but it hasn't kept me from creating. I am not even considering working right now, I just animate for myself because it's a part of me.

My 'garden' LoopdeLoop has become more of an annoying struggle the longer I've worked at it, but I haven't had the braincells to solve every hard part of the animation all at once.

Art is a marathon, as I've said countless times before. Not every day is full of eureka moments. You just gotta put in some little effort every day, and putting down some little lines every day the best habit you can ever have.

I had a hectic Saturday where I drove bubs and my ass across town and back for an event. Also my new home already looks like a bomb hit it and I don't want to be a slob anymore. I prioritise getting into helpful clean habits, and adjusting to this life.

Ah, I've wasted 20 precious minutes blogging! But bubs had been restless all morning and my brain direly needed a rest. So here's some doodles from Glenelg Cibos yesterday.

round and round the garden...

The kid's head has a very specific shape that I need to refine and it's a battle to make sure the dog doesn't look like some hamster-bear-hybrid but otherwise, I'm really proud of how this WIP LoopdeLoop is coming along.

The physicality of how the boy and dog turn the corners is actually the biggest challenge which I've just had a go scribbling out so far. I mean, people always go on and on about how hard four-legged walk cycles are, but in reality, everything is just capturing shifting weights. If you've ever seen a big dog leaping and bounding before, if you know in the slightest the weight and personality of what you're drawing, you can animate it with conviction. 

All I can say in tonight's post is that I don't think this but I know it - that my art is improving only because I have had other life pursuits I've humbly studied or practiced, skills I never gravitated to before hardships in my life.

No offence, but I chose to study things that are seemingly unrelated to visual art, and I'm so grateful I finished my degree last week, because I have pride that I chose a study option that gave me the space and time I needed to breathe and for all my wounds to heal. It worked. 

I don't talk about this either, but I became passionate about dancing in recent years since my trauma. 

Yes I mean dancing. 

Not dancing according to someone elses choreography, and not at some club or group at any studio. Not even vainly recording my moves at home. My dancing is a display of the purest energy and emotion that cannot be captured, recorded and distilled down. 

Midnight dancing around the house ( not trying to be serious but yet, I took the intent behind it seriously) is precisely why my animation is how it is NOW.

So is my singing. Not singing in a group or professionally or for anyone, but singing loud and proud my fave songs, all for myself and more recently, all for my sweet dear baby who cannot judge and only giggles back.

People don't get this cuz they just don't, but I'm SO grateful for all the 'lolz soooo random' things I've tried. Dancing and singing let me feel a scrap of happiness, during a time of my life where I never thought I'd ever be cured of my nighttime dreaded 'leg shakes'.

I feel and hear and see the rhythms of life much more now than I ever did try to before. Truly. Everyday and supposedly mundane experiences feel richer, more pleasant and infinitely more meaningful than they did before I suffered. Maybe you gotta suffer to get here. Yes, the Buddha said something like that right?

Animation and dance are similar. So is animation and music. Even so is writing and animation. If you only see all these acts of expression as all 'random' and separate from one another, thatsa why ya art sucks, bai~

started working on LoopdeLoop garden

Too exhausted from mum life to do anything. I had a minor breakdown due to the baby seat tilting in the car. I cope by avoiding the stress and blogging, when I could be using my scarce tidbits of time to actually tidy home. 

I do not care. This is a scrap of me time.

I cannot burn the midnight oil and make glorious art all night, only because by 9pm I have been legit nearly fainting from the day's exhaustion of being there for my baby. I have learnt through daily experience that my type of brain means I cannot switch gears in 2-seconds and therefore, cannot enjoy the 'me' time unless I have a solid 30 minutes when she actually sleeps. I basically won't attempt to pull out the Wacom Movink if I think she isn't fast asleep.

I'm just stressed. It's just stress speaking.

I am all done with university and should be set to graduate next March, but moving into new home and living on my own for first time since my trauma is thrilling, but also freaking me out. Only cuz I keep making goof-ups as a new single mum, but every time I make a fixable and minor mistake, it does triggers me a bit. But I get over it soon enough.

Very rough WIP and planning sketches for my LoopdeLoop animation challenge submission for this month. Don't care if I'm spoiling anything, I am burnt out, just cuz I'm adapting to yet another ginormous life change: managing my own home as a new mum.

decluttering chaos

Exhausted since moving house this week due to insurmountable tidying that follows a fresh move.

Having a screaming baby who is distracting me from organising my new home, and being a single parent so I can't dump her on someone else - can get monotonous and exhausting. This is why I just plop on an old DVD (Monsters Inc. tonight was so good ) and binge eat chocolate on the couch every night lately. That is the time of evening when she finally sleeps alongside me. So I have a good hour to myself then only.

When your baby shrieks, your only option is to go with the flow. Cuz going on your phone/laptop while breastfeeding is probably why kids are turning out to develop psychological complexes. So instead, you get stuck spending 20 minutes doing 'nothing' but cooing and stroking your baby and making the silliest of silly faces. 

As a mum, that's what you're meant to do. It's your one job to care!

I get that toxic people think being a mother appears to not be 'productive', but their attitude reflects the toxicity in society. Something that is ingrained into my own anxiety that I'm never 'productive' unless I'm 'making art' and 'proving' it's worthy, aka. posting your work social media like a braindead zombie. But, without digressing again, helping nurture and inspire a new little life and mind, is an incredibly important job. Motherhood is like a secret agent job people that don't aways see in action!

Anyways, I had felt annoyed since my dad (who helped graciously with my entire move, thanks dad) kept saying that I have 'too much stuff' that he's never seen 'anyone with so much stuff'. But he didn't listen when I kept saying the contents of everything I've absorbed into this new house.

The truth is I've absorbed all my dead mums stuff; jewelry, piles of crafting equipment, clothes and books - which was HEAPS. Then I ended up taking all the childhood and middle grade books that weren't all mine, but belonged to my brother, only because I see their worth as nifty books that need some love and appreciation someday. Most of them are not specifically about trucks and dinosaurs, but even so, daughters can like trucks and dinosaurs too.

Anyways, I shouldn't be blamed either for holding onto so much stuff.

I have bags of Beanie Babies with the tags on. In such pristine condition it would probably make any collector's eyes water - but they're mine. I don't care about hoarding pristine purple bears, I just want my kids to enjoy breaking them in! Slobbering all over them and loving them! I am serious.I have so many Beanie Babies that have been completely unloved in bags for the last 10 years...

The only way any item can actually serve it's purpose, is that it should be USED until it reaches 'well loved' status.

Anyone else know the feeling? The massive satisfaction from repurposing old things?

Yet, the word 'repurposing' doesn't express the giggly joy I feel from unpacking a mug reading 'Dinkey Creek' featuring photo bashed art of three wolves on it, shaded in midnight blues and howling at a low-res moon.

This mug deserves pride of place in my kitchen. It is obviously from a gift shop Dinkey Creek, CA. I have items from around the world nearly. And all these items, be it from L.A, Sydney, Japan or Dinkey Creek (close to where we used to holiday in Shaver Lake, CA) all these items can find a final resting place here in my home. I know people can move a lot, but I kinda hope will be a forever home. It honestly feels like a keeper already!

TLDR; I ended up with a lot of family junk. Dad therefore, is wrong in saying it's some fault of me that I have 'too much stuff'. I'm irritated from being told the random items my late mom binge-bought are mine. 

I'm not the only hoarder! My dead mum had bought a flipping' T-shirt press , for f**ks sake!

I cannot draw at 9pm anymore. My brain is kaput these days, and I chalk it up to the fact moving and adapting to a new home is simply draining. I will probably refine this picture of Seren Dippity I painted last night trying to fight the 9pm fatigue flushing over me. But may not be capable of refinine it.

I am not beating myself up for my inability to 'be productive' when tired as a single/solo mum doing it all on my own anymore. People who are parents get this; being a attentive mum matters more than getting distracted drawing or even decluttering. So if I am not 'productive' every day, get over it.

I have my own home now🏠

Yesterday I moved into my own home with my baby daughter. Not an apartment and not a unit either, but a gorgeous little house in a great neighbourhood. 

I had been living with my dad for years, ever since life alone in my unit post 'accident' had become unbearable.

But things couldn't be more different now.

I had wanted my own independence for awhile, but moving out wasn't a priority, I didn't feel ready until lately.

Dad unearthed my box of cherished Touhou and Berserk figurines. I honestly had thought they might've been thrown in the trash years ago, and that I'd never see them again - but nope! They had been waiting patiently in the dust and darkness of dad's garage. 

Not gonna lie, my mental health had been so poor that I never thought I'd see the day when I'd live on my own ever again. But a lot of things have changed with trying. Pain does fade if you keep trying to make room for happiness and healing. To be honest, more than the expensive therapists I wasted time with, I took accountability at long last for improving my mind through my own daily exposure therapy.

I started first by trying new mediums. But when my heart yearned to draw, I reminded myself I needed to overcome the self-loathing holding me back from loving art again. So I would make low pressure drawing. Pen scribbles done at school or on train only. I didn't try big projects or late at night. I tried pixel art, which is far easier. Every day, I must've become less self critical. Less self-loathing. Everyday, I started to show myself more kindness and remember that I've endured things nobody else understands. All I could do was love myself, more than I ever had, actually. Love helped me find inner confidence and happiness to know that my life is beautiful and I'm happy to be here.

The photos of the shelves below aren't really just a Berserk shrine. Nor is it even a 'nerdy things I like' shrine including other comics and Touhou. Instead, it's just a corner of the house devoted to my most inspirational objects and texts, because those are my unfinished sketchbooks on rotation on the lefthand side (closest to Femto) I am stuck with clunky IKEA furniture for now, but it's a start. 

I like seeing the various shapes and sizes of sketchbooks, it inspires me to grab one and go - to follow where my creativity takes me. Berserker Guts Figma which I had hand carried back from Japan unfortunately had his right arm twisted out of the joint by me when I was unwell. I'll superglue the poor guy so he can at least wield his Dragonslayer again!

I told myself I would never setup Femto after having bubs, because the base of the statuette is a big red Behelit with one massive creepy blue eye.

Call me a bad mum, but I couldn't resist! 

I accepted being a mum doesn't mean becoming boring - so I turned the horrific eye side away against the wall, where bubs could never see it. It's up very high anyway.  Out of all the things a parent could do to mess up their kid, having one sexy purple chicken man on display in the corner isn't that big a deal in the scheme of things. 

I'm inspired to make this home truly special. Need to paint murals on walls and grow more pretty fuchsia bougainvillea on the lattice the courtyard (there's some growing there already but I want moar)

It doesn't have to look like an IKEA site inspiration image, those sets are not actually lived in, but it needs to suit my massively creative lifestyle. (the amount of craft stuff I have is obscene. it needs to be used)

I'm more than old enough to finally learn some homemaking skills. I admit, I have been a massive slob wherever I lived in the past, but this time, with my own home, I am going to take cleaning seriously, to be a better role model for my little girl.

This is still a massive WIP in terms of unpacking, but I kind of want a focus on red and blue in my house, it is somehow ending up that way naturally. Anyways, I hope you enjoy my studio/study space in-progress pics! Its has potential.

And bonus faeries in the garden! They had sat unused in a box for 10 years, so finally they get their time to shine.

so much bad art advice everywhere wtf

Just saw another YouTuber pop up (they be crawlin' outta the woodwork since I made a throwaway acc) and this person went to Calarts and was abusing the school online.

I am OK with her trashing Calarts, although she did it 10 years too late. People often talked shit about CalFarts without hearing my experiences, they said they couldn't stand an environment like that. Yeah me too. I had always thought I still owe it something for kicking my young-adult ass into gear, but I was already motivated before even contemplating art skool.

So it was a bit surprising to say the least, but refreshing to have a nod of acknowledgement towards my trauma from art school not being a rarity, so im not all alone. But her advice for alternatives to expensive art school lost the plot. Something about social media and finding magical Discords.

Why do all these bad internet artists do all the preaching? It's called objectively bad advice to tell aspiring animators or designers or anything that they need to hustle and waste their life on social media or find some magic golden ticket to gain entrance into some magical Discord. Barf much?

Time spent on social media doesn't equal time drawing, Einstein. In fact, internet scrolling keeps you from experiencing such a transformative boredom on a daily basis, which breeds self reflection, to then finding the unique shapes, lines and stories within YOU.

(My wonky cat loop for Oct LoopdeLoop theme)

The second I dropped out of Calarts since I knew it wasn't helping me (but hurting me actually) and ran away back to my lovely hometown of Adelaide, because my soul needed it, was the second I made a right step towards becoming a real artist.

(And artists that love their small hometowns are not necessarily small fries. Good artist comes from anywhere you can hold and pencil and draw. Stop being pretentious.)

Guys. You must find and hone your own philosophy with artmaking. Nobody can give you that.

Doesn't it warm your soul when you're lonely? Make you smile when you're sad, or calm you when you're angry? Not just lines, but characters and stories with emotions.

If you don't get the power (and pleasure) of practice that I'm preaching, nothing can save you. No fancy software or exclusive chatroom will ever help you. It's a little thing called artistic practice, and you either have the grit to keep at it. Or you don't.

I'll say it one last time, but you should always keep a sketchbook and pen on you every day. Wherever you go, just like good writers keep journals. Not just an iPad or god knows what fancy tablet, but a real sketchbook. Just use normal office pens. Learn how to make real art to break away from your codependency on Ctrl-Z, layermodes and lineart lunacy.

I got this at age 10 or younger, when I fell in love with drawing Neopets and other peoples OCs I saw online. I got this, and spent my time not only copying art (for personal use and never tracing), making my own OCs and immersing myself creating my own stories. Putting in the time every damn day because I loved it. 

People demand magical 2D animations, as if it can be conjured out of manure, but these people never get the devotion necessary. You need to put in the daily every-day observational drawings to improve.

Important newsflash that may discourage the faint-of-heart but needs to be said, but I've drawn consistently (most days my life) since I was 3 years old. I also have never taken more than a 1 day break at a time from drawing at a time, even during my hardest years. Yes, drawing is a passion that means that much to me.

I have had different mini artistic epiphanies along the way as I got older. Pivotal moments which my feeling on storytelling, characters, design and appreciation for the world around me deepend and blossomed.

Therefore, when new people fetishise some endless quest for animation 'jobs' or becoming like 'popular artists', but these people don't seem to get the actual point: that being a real artist is a lifelong pursuit and therefore, a lifestyle choice for how you spend your free time. If you aren't taking my sketchbook advice yet, you will never understand that crafting good animation depends on your own perception and passion for life. Show curiosity for the natural world, of both humans and animals and of storytelling, myths and legends! You must develop a keen eye towards picking up on delightful details, so much effort and nuance goes into good animation!

You don't master drawing a month, or two, or in 456...Especially if you're not studying in the right way and are just doodling empty cartoons. But if you study the right way, you'll have countless little moments of inspiration where you 'get better' in a rich and meaningful way which deepens the older and wiser you get, hopefully.

TLDR but you draw for a long time. A lifetime. 

So yes, I'm sorry but you won't get any better by doom scrolling. Cya~

enjoying character design for the first time in ages

Dumping lots of characters on my toyhouse. Will take awhile to give old characters better art. Stay tuned.

your YouTube is bad and you should feel bad

Hey, so guys I'm so done with the trend of 'media critiquing' YouTube channels. I'm done with the critiquing everything 'content', if you can call it that.

Hey so do you know how fucking hard it is to make hand-drawn animation, or make any art, for that matter? Or do you just choose cowardice and drone on with terrible voiceovers and supposedly 'analyse' every media you can?

I just saw one ripping into Disney films and franchise, but then it dawned on me that I just didn't agree with this person. Walt Disney pioneered a good thing, despite some sloppy sooky stories that supposedly 'pacify' people into believing prince charming will fix them. 

But I don't think Disney's legacy stands for just that. It is not only insulting to everyone who has ever worked there and helped pioneer 2D animation techniques, it also insults every child whose ever smiled and laughed at a Disney film. So simplistic to preach that Disney is somehow harmful to the internet.

I love the golden age of Disney films (90s), but this person didn't believe any of them were good. Bruh, how can you have an 'animation analysis' channel if you diss all of Disney? What the fuck is good animation to you then? Pray tell me, just what animation is 'good'?

If they are too soft or mushy or saccharine for your tastes, you have the choice of watching Serbian Film or Human Centipede 2 on loop if Disney's Mulan isn't your cuppa' tea.

YouTube is officially a gross echo chamber of pretentious post-hipster untalented millennials that can't get a real job or make art and share it online. They just take, take and take.

I don't post anymore, but I need to actually commit to letting my channel die. I have another throwaway channel without videos, I feel at peace there.

These videos have mastered a formula that hooks you at first glance with a click-baity thumbnail and tagline. As you watch, it leaves you anticipating some divine wisdom for an entire 45 minute-long duration. Content is now created based around how many juicy sponsor ads you can cram up into it, yummy.

I can't stand it.

I need to not engage.

Bit stressed right now though. Wasting all my time getting distracted when bubs is asleep. 

My final assignment is due in a week and a bit, so I'm trying to keep it all together.