If you've followed me for a bit, you may have picked up on the fact I'm addicted to working on my website. I started it in Dreamweaver whilst in the psych ward and believe it for not, it was actually so cathartic to push this 'retro' aesthetic site to the world wide web. I've developed a strong enough grasp of HTML and CSS to just edit in VisualStudio Code from here on out. Most of the time it is barely refining what I've done or adding new content, but is usually me just goofing around seeing what I can get away with in HTML, JavaScript and CSS, such as making hovered links glow with a kaleidoscope of colors!
Thursday, July 17, 2025
why webdev is cheaper than therapy
Monday, July 07, 2025
a spiritual experience from the other night
The other night, I had a dream in which I was dancing and being silly with my young daughter. It must've been a vision of the future, as she is just a baby right now. I woke up, mind still hazy and lost in dreamland, and smiled to myself. Then I smiled at my bub sleeping soundly right next to me. What a nice dream, I thought. But that wasn't the end of it...
Just hours before, I had attended a Zoom presentation that evening by the Jung Society of South Australia. In this talk, I learnt a lot about Jung's art and some of the 'characters' he developed from his experiments with the unconscious. I was struck by the 'character' of Phanes, an androgynous god-child born from an egg. When I Googled later, I was struck by the the poetic description written below an artwork of Phanes, taken from 'The Red Book' (I think). In this Phanes is described in a very long chunk of text, the line that I remember the most is 'they are both mourning and consolation'. Essentially, Phanes promises a salvation that feels like a peace, when one finally feels a whole lot of 'opposites' of the human experience. Below is my own 'fanart' of Phanes in their funky yellow outfit..
Anyways, back to the story.
Right after my dream, I lay in bed and felt emotions surge into me from a familiar source. I recognised the sensation as I felt is most distinctly in 2021, when I was legitimately possessed by it and ran away from home! Essentially, honest to goodness-ly, since 2021 at least, I've been played with by some sort of entity. It is cheeky, childlike and good above all else. If it has a wrath, which is does seem to have sometimes, it is ultimately for the sake of some truthful good. I know it is impossibly farfetched and hard to believe, it may definitely make family worry that I'm not on my meds when I say these things, but I am on them, and the magical experience has persisted in a subtle way despite being consistently medicated. Perhaps the definite proof it is not a mental health condition? Hmm?
Anyways, back to the story now that you have this ridiculously unbelievable magical context in your head...
All the opposites, much like the poem above, flooded into me. Some included both shame and forgiveness for myself, for things which had haunted me. I felt such emotions pour into me, I pleaded to this entity - the spirit, which never gives me real tangible answers usually, but still, I tried.
I asked:
What are you? You have been a part of my life for many years now, I need to know!
To this mental question, I felt an answer echo in my brain, which is the way this entity has always communicated. It said quite clearly, in a voice neutral but also with a childlike conviction:
I'm mom!
I knew then and there, what it meant.
This entity which was confiding in me was our god. A lowercase 'g' god, mind you, none of that uppercase 'G' Christian stuff, sorry. This entity, was simply mom - the entity which gave birth to this reality, and whom sits at the corners of the universe, loving its little creations like a mother would.
This entity however, has always spoken in a neutral but slightly childlike voice to me. The childlike aspect has been a particular cheekiness mostly, which isn't exclusive to children, I guess.
In this case however, the way it said 'I'm mom' was as if a young child which only now understands the concept of a mother for the first time. Yet, as the same time, it speaks with the wisdom of all of creation. Holding within it, a sense of complete opposites just like what was in the text about Phanes! In how I interpreted this moment, saying it's 'mom' is just how it expresses itself to me in terms that a human like me can understand.
It was here long before me. It gave birth to us all, and it watches on, lovingly. But the funny thing is, I don't think its necessarily gendered as female, as it is beyond that. So it feels particularly profound in that this entity values the meaning of 'the mom', without being female itself?
There was more to this moment, but it has evaded me, which is really damn frustrating. Everytime I have these epiphanies sent from this bewitching, sentient source, there is some deep wisdom which cannot be grasped and recorded, even with my nearby notebooks. They almost are like a letter that you must burn after reading, except your mind burns the information in mere seconds. I just know there was something much more important to be gleamed from this moment, but I cannot remember for the life of me! So frustrating!
I know its farfetched, and I know people have little ability in this day and age to believe in some weirdo online spouting that some cheeky god exists. But this god doesn't want, or need, to be proven. It is content with bugging me alone. I still needed to get this off my chest, because it was very profound. Because when I felt the voice saying 'I'm mom' echo in my heart, I somehow 'got' what it meant, I felt its love. I felt that those two words also explained the nature of god. Plain and simple.
I wept after hearing that beautiful words in my heart and head, because I somehow glimpsed some truth. Not trying to be pretentious, but I wonder if Jung himself ever felt this, despite all his searching within the unconscious?
As I've said, I stick to my meds and strange things continue to happen. It has been this way a very long time, but it has been awhile since very a distinctly magical moment has taken place as the entity has become very subdued in the years in which I've been 'sane'. It has always been in the background these last few years, however.
I will probably disturb some people by being open about spiritual experiences happening despite being sane for so long, but I just beg you to maybe open your mind a little bit? To believe just a teeny weeny lil bit, in some crazy (not so old yet) lady that only has her true stories to tell you...
Tuesday, July 01, 2025
The answer is NEVER to just 'get more hobbies'.
But believe it or not, that is precisely what I craved.
Because I knew for the last few years, most the zany, time-consuming hobbies I kept forcing myself to do out of habit, started feeling insidiously dull.
Whatever do I mean?
Before I decided to pursue becoming a solo mum, I would force myself to work on creative projects daily, because that's all I knew, really.
From janky video game jams, to acrylic paintings left unfinished and discarded in cobwebbed corners of the craft room. From ambitious TV show scripts to sculptures, to short stories and edgy visual novels and even sewing stuffed toys and a Koishi Komeiji cosplay....oh, and don't even mention the hideous amount of blogging I did. I also kept typing up Google Documents with ambitious business ideas but still, committed to nothing. But more telling was the fact that I knew nothing scratched the unnameable itch that was tickling deep in my heart.
In the past, I turned to creative outlets to sate what I always presumed was a normal sort of boredom that hits when you don't have anything else pressing to do. It's probably fine in many case. When you're young, in early twenties and/or driven by a creative inner fire.
I was possessed by that flame. The solitary path of the painter was the way my life was going for the longest time but....
...and its a big but....
From 2020 until 2022, I experienced massive griefs and traumas.
I was coping with a world where my dearest mum wasn't around anymore. I was plagued with reoccurring mental health relapses year after year, until mid 2022.
I then was stuck in a vicious loop of trauma, bitterly trying to rationalise how my mindscape felt so changed by these experiences. In retrospect, the issues regarding my 'art brain' have just taken its sweet time to heal. It takes years to heal your body and mind from psychosis.
That wasn't the only thing that needed to heal, however.
For some reason, I never faced the natural immense sadness and emptiness from losing one of the absolute most cherished people in my life, my mum.
In the years I spent trying to heal all over, many of the creative hobbies I kept getting distracted by felt not just indulgent, but scarily meaningless. They started feeling like guilty distractions which I did to silence some little voice of longing. None of the random projects I did really stuck anyways. If they had, I would've been prouder. I would've been braver in promoting these products as things I want to see get published. They mostly kinda sucked big time.
The truth is, I confess I have purposely wasted heaps of time with many non-drawing related pursuits, which I profess I am terrible at and absolutely do not have the knack for - like programming video games! Because I was so anxious about my art abilities being impaired following the mental health incident I mentioned in my earlier post, that I tried anything else besides sketching!
So, there have been different factors as to why I felt like I was hiding away from facing drawing. It most definately has not just been ageing, or letting biology and instinct have their way.
Its been many overlapping factors.
I think I mainly owe it to the sobering nature of grief (and add in a sprinkle of mental derangement!) leading me hand-in-hand to the truth.
The 'Truth' is a word and concept that has mystified me many times when manic. Here is an illustration to the theme of Truth. Its one of my favorites. I painted it in the ward.
One of my Capital-T Truths, which grief (and even mania) guided me hand-in-hand to, was that I didn't want to miss out on being a mum. Right here and now.
If I chased career now, at these vital fertile years of my life, it would be a sadly pathetic urge to fill some void, running from what I needed and craved.
The only thing that's still felt truly meaningful in proper doses, has been healing over my avoidance of drawing. As I said, it has been a long story, but I've started to face drawing again. I now approach drawing with more self compassion than ever before. I constantly have to remind myself to do what I mentally call 'low pressure' art, doodles on my folding phone, or in a tiny sketchbook. I remind myself, that my kid wont judge my art harshly, so why should I?
It has also felt somewhat meaningful to honing my writing. I live for good stories. Certain comics have inspired and soothed me immensely in recent years (Berserk, duh), so I even started trying my hand at comics since last year.
Ah, but yes I will now have less (purely uninterrupted) stretches of time to crank out art. This leads me to my point. If you are keenly eyed and noticed at the start of this post, I put the word 'freedoms' in sarcastic quotes with a * next to it.
This is because, I think that people that proclaim having kids robs you of 'freedoms' have starkly different values to me.
Whatever 'freedoms' do you mean? Nightclubbing, parties or boozing it up? Going on elaborate vacations in faraway countries? which personally I have zero interest in ever even setting foot in half those places not gonna lie . Don't people get a bit sick of that sort of life?
Alright, to each is his own, I guess.
Just quit making weird excuses that disparage people that enjoy the simple pleasures, like sunny seaside walks on a Sunday (Someday she will be old enough to play a round of DDR at the Beachouse arcade! I can't wait!)
I know I personally seem 'boring' to many, but I don't have must wanderlust for anything much outside of South Australian borders. I have seen enough. I am weirdly patriotic and live in the most beautiful corner of the world, sorry. Visiting heaps of dangerous countries isn't on my to-do list, nor do I believe countless stamps in a passport make for a more vibrant life compared to someone who maybe just appreciates their state, but I digress...
So...
Another truth for me, is my most cherished pastimes already are things that I seem to share in common with kids. It already has just amplified my joy to share my favorite musical playlists, stuffed toys, pictures books, Netflix kids, even video games (yes in moderation) and strolls by the seaside. To me, I have barely changed my lifestyle.
So what maybe I never grew up myself?
So dear weird acquaintances who have said snide things to me, to you I say, go ahead, keep your various freedoms. But if it threatens you that some youngish women choose Solo motherhood over partnering up for now, then you are the one with some hidden insecurities.
This is my path.
I want to make more lovingly made kid-friendly stories and art. So, you could say I kind of have a more meaningful and pressing goal to channel my writing and art into, every time I have a free second, or more like, when I have free hand that's not cradling bub, of course.
My honest truth is that I probably wouldn't have unearthed such a new meaningful goal, if I was never shaken up such an impossibly difficult 2020s. Having conquered such a difficult period of my life, puts so much of life into a newfound context.
So of course, art is something I want to share with my kid. I obviously can't wait till my lil' bub is old enough to start. She may not be capable of holding a crayon right now but all this good artistic taste is definitely soaking into her impressionable noggin'. ;)
Well, I have written enough for now. It is kind of a lot, but feels nice to get a fresh ramble off my chest while she's been sleeping. Now its back to solo mumming~ Over and out.
Saturday, June 28, 2025
My beautiful baby girl is here~
Hello, I've avoided blogging for the longest time. The reason is because I nearly always turn whatever topic into a big, fat, venting stream of consciousness... I really need to watch my blogging behaviour big time if I ever want to even dream of getting back into being a professional. Since life has been much better, I've started to dream of the avenues of artsy creations I can do in the future.
I'm always happier when I'm just making art.
It's absolutely the most constructive, fulfilling and meaningful use of my time. But blogging however, is allowed to be about sharing art, with minimal amount of text, right? I hope I can use the blog for sharing my endeavours with art as well as with comics and picture books creation?
But in terms of good news, my beautiful little baby girl is here! I have been over the moon! Getting used to Solo mumming has been a steep learning curve. I made a comic about the last few weeks and it's up on my site. I am definitely not sharing her name or any photos of her face as I have been urged by family to protect bubs identity, if I think I know what's best for her!
I have my hands very much full, but when she snoozes I have found the time to make little comics. I want to keep making comics as it satisfies my need to tell true stories as well as feel good about the little drawings I can do. I might try tidying up this hideous blog and get it more ship shape. I sure as heck haven't done any worthwhile posts in recent years.
This is my oldest artsy corner of the internet, my own blog dating back to 2011. It would be a shame to ruin it and private it, just because I have a bad habit of venting in recent years.
But life has been looking up, lets hope I can just treat this as a more constructive corner of the internet from here on out.
Monday, December 04, 2023
Secret Santa Jam in progress!
I decided to do the Secret Santa Jam, just because I got a digest email from Itchio and thought it sounded cool. You send off a letter and get one in return, from an anonymous someone you are meant to craft a game for, and of course, someone crafts one based on your letter. Mine likes Resident Evil 7 but also mentioned Animal Crossing. They suggested a horror/Christmas story, which turned out to be a fantastic limitation to work with, in terms of storytelling especially. I feel like blogging to take a break from the coding mayhem that's got my mind whirling a bit too much. Mine so far is a bit of a walking simulator with a snapping camera that has defined the game's suspenseful vibe. Well, as suspenseful as pixel art can be.
Wednesday, November 29, 2023
setbacks and getting back on your feet
I'm terrified that potential and past employers will read me saying I 'can't draw' and then will never consider me to storyboard or anything ever again. If that's the case, I should do better and shut the hell up everywhere. I'm afraid, because the most consistent I employers I have had, essentially the golden ticket of working in animation, never reached back out to me after my dad told them I was 'unwell' in 2020. Maybe they're just respecting that statement. That yeah, being 'unwell', or in the loonie bin more like it, means you just plain and simply can't produce the goods. Oh, I'd give anything to feel competent in my art again. Some days it shines through, people still seem to react to things I do. I'm not talking shit about any employer, they have all been awesome and give me opportunities to work my hardest and make cool stuff. More than an employer reading this, I am even more afraid that I'll never be able to do the high caliber work I used to. As despite attempting to sketch and paint and animate every damn day since my accident, I have yet to fully heal over this 'art brain' which causes me immeasurable anguish. In the meantime, I have tried to 'expand my horizons' as everyone keeps telling me. That's all coming from people that've never found such ecstasy from a pursuit, as I have with drawing.
I don't want to be at poopy Adelaide Uni any long. I have never wanted degree and am always sickened by people that assume degrees prove some worth. I don't need a degree from them, but am working towards one anyways. What hurts most is, I have been forced down this path since semester one 2021. As when you're like me and psychosis means you can't excel at your one lifetime passion, you are forced to painfully branch out and try new things.
But art has always been breathing. So take that away that breath, and you're suffocating, miserable and close to death. I didn't realize how much this breath had spurred me on throughout the years, until I entered the Google Drive album from art from 2016. I don't feel like posting heaps, but I'll leave you with this Berserk comic. People used to message me asking for it after I made my Tumblr private.
Tuesday, November 28, 2023
Kangaroo Island farming game by a self taught dev
As I mentioned in previous recent posts I'm making a farming game. So I had my game working great for awhile but then made some tweaks in hopes of improving and BLAM. Something broke. Now I can barely water the plants and complete the growing crop cycle because somehow I altered one line that messed up another. I'm giving it a break for a few hours because I need to be fresh when I attempt programming, otherwise it all ends in a Vela tantrum.
I understand I sound really angry at the world in many of my recent posts and well, it's because life has been pretty damn hard and I can't find a semblance of normalcy due to all the weirdness I've experienced. Of course, I'm still animating, but it sure is hard. It's more the emotional hurdle of booting up my desktop computer and facing that Cintiq display. It reminds me of better days and to sit there often causes me great anguish. That is why I prefer my Surface Pro for game dev and even the Surface Pro pen comes in handy for pixel art.
I started the game out with tiny 32x32 pixel character art, but since the recent Slam Jam 3, I realised larger pixel art is much easier for me and probably, something that gives my game more artistic charm. For that reason, I'm working on making 128x128 sized character sprites which will take heaps of effort but will probably make my game pop out from the hordes of pixel games. Nothing wrong with them, I personally adore tiny pixel art, but I think bigger is better for my style personally. I tried to observe well-sprited tilesets because you can't just larn pixel art in a void. My mouth fell agape in wonder at the detail in this one below. It's not like I can get that much skillful nuance into my own tileset but hey, you know what they say, shoot for the moon!
Wednesday, July 26, 2023
On a panel at Avcon + met Hiroshi Nagahama!
(Photo credit: Rhomenka Vallance, Team Avcon)
Saturday, April 08, 2023
Drew 21 faces at the Willunga Artisan x Quarry market!
I busked at the Artisan x Quarry market Easter event from 8:30 to 12:15 and drew 21 faces! Wow! Mostly kids, only three adults out of all of them. Compared to last market where As we had surprise social obligations x2 immediately after I was done with market, I was very exhausted.
Before I get into the art, I need to say, life drawing is life. Caricatures are life. Sketching from life is life. Copying existing art will get you some draftsmanship, but you could always just be doing the ultimate copying, which is life drawing, like real classical artists always have done. The reason I say this is because a lot of people don't see value in life drawing. They can draw sparkly elf and orc concept art all they want, nothing beats giving a drawing to a little smiling girl who is over the moon with being cartoonified. Despite everything I've been through, I have always had a hankering for life drawing, and being capable of doing even the smallest sketches, whether its on the train into uni, or sketching a portrait for a cute little girl, means the world to me.
Sunday, March 26, 2023
First game jam in GameMaker AND all by myself!!!!!
The game is up here on my itch.io! It's a zip file but I promise it's not a virus! What do I have to say about this short project in which I only used thirds of the 9 day jam?
The post mortem from this project is, don't expect to do stellar with your school work AND do a fun jam, one will have to suffer. It could be maddening, watching the 'ball' hit around and spear itself onto spikes while you can only watch. Still, that's what the original game 'brick breaker' is about, enjoying the bricks breaking...It's only fair when the spikes can be avoided due to SKILL (moving left and right) soshite, it's a bit cruel.
I struggled with the level progression, it's very clunky. I struggled with the 'resetting' of the rooms when dead and yadda yadda, all the linear stuff drove me batshit. I wonder why.
