Important notice: I am leaving all social media for good. I am not going to be pathetic anymore as I'm a grown woman and knows what's actually healthy for me. Most people will never take the plunge to completely quit checking this shit because because they're so addicted.
Although I started with tiny baby steps by proclaiming I'm 'on a break/detox' on my bio, after enjoying crafting this spicy post and having solidified my thoughts, I've decided, I'm never checking Instagram ever again if I can have any say in it. And its MY life so yes, I'm quitting it all.
Yes I get it, you outsiders can tell I'm so sensitive or call me insecure, but I'm not. One of the many final straws was me wanting to projectile vomit over some old mutual posting name details of their child. I felt sick, I still do. The other tipping point was trolling that took place only few days earlier. Also I witnessed some people complaining about 300 views on video 'content' being some sad thing, when that's all I get on a good day.
Well thanks yall', you have all incited the perfect storm that got me to mature finally.
I realised too that if people (Adelaidian or otherwise) like me for who I am, we can chat on Discord, which I am very fond of. Read this full post before you try and add me, thanks.
I feel sick when family tell me that 'everyone does socials' so why am I so 'insecure' to get triggered and upset over being ignored and muted and scorned? In reality, there's nothing wrong with me. I am not that 'insecure'. I just feel sick of being beholden to what some repulsive biggo-corporation commands me to waste my little time on. Oh, maybe its F.O.M.O? All your 'friends' are there, right? That has surely kept me hopeful, right?
But bruh...
Nobody is a friend if they just observe you and don't reach out when you're suffering so visibly.
I also know the entire stupid 'game' of a fake internet perfect persona was driving me absolutely batshit up-the-walls mental.
I'm not weak for hating it.
I don't play 'the game' grovelling for attention, changing what I draw to fit in. Like whatever mental disorder compels people to dementedly draw cartoon Labradors and Schnauzers for insert-whatever-topical-political-issue-gets-them-attention.
I share what I want, where I want, and I love Blogger. I love 'longform' posting with a dash of art.
Overall, I am completely and utterly done with wasting my precious few remaining years on bad apps. I've been strung along for my entire twenties, a victim to a sickness. Yes checking stats compulsively is a sickness, only because its something I did only because I was hurting so bad. I ended up muted by old 'friends' as I've made clear.
I am not 'weak' for being depressed by the entire brainless experience.
Yes, I'm allowed to reject fads.
Cuz' the whole fake networks of phoneys is sick.
No other generation but mine was the first to grow up with up with our lives reduced down to numerical love-hearts. Only my millennial and younger generations. We are victims of not only internet addiction, but likes and follows. Not gonna lie, most people are too enslaved and blind to consider quitting it and starting a Blogspot, especially since it's not about to become hip and trendy anytime soon.
These people think I'm the weird one, they say social media is 'harmless' when they are the ones that muted me the second I started my Berserk 'vlogging'.
Oh why yes, for all you poor innocent newbies who have only now stumbled upon me, for context, from 2021 onwards, I had a bad habit of recording my screen and voice on an app called XRecorder, while admiring Berserk Japanese raw scans in my Google Drive. No these are no longer visible on my Instagram now, but I have no doubt some sickos have pilfered my vlogs to laugh at somewhere on the darkweb. I did it daily since 2021, my dudes.
Oh lordy lordy, I confess. I have sinned!
Fine, I was chronically addicted. Only because I was traumatised and trying to sort my jumbled thoughts out.
I was hurting. Yes, all the way until now. Yes, most followers (save for some kind souls who watched religiously) just muted me. It must've been like watching a trainwreck though, I have now clue if all the viewers had good intentions, but I was hurting so deeply after psychosis and my 3 relapses I didn't know what to do.
I wasn't healed enough to just uninstall the sickness and try and be brave enough to rewire my brain.
But guess what?
It's not the Berserk raw scan's fault for being so delicious on my eyeballs.
It's not even XRecorder's fault for enabling me to post such shit. Its not even purely my fault either, because I knew for a long time wanted to break free.
I am just completely and brilliantly, fucking done.
In the end, social media has always exacerbated an unnatural alienation and loneliness which I never felt before socials became some revolting expectation in my twenties.
I am not actually naturally lonely. I love the internet for information, expression, communities and especially for crafting a unique space for myself. I just don't want to be assaulted by nuclear-normie-minded-mutuals posting their life achievements 24/7.
Social media has felt like being surrounded by people that tilt their head downcast at the dirt and completely ignore your existence. Unable to give eye contact. Purely and simply scorning you.
Every. Single. Stupid. Day.
Most of these so-called-friends never cared enough to listen to my miserable cry for help, my Berserk vlogs.
TLDR BUT....
When I chose to uninstall the disease of Instagram...
I chose to opt out of ridiculous shit. Not just odious comparisons, but something inflicted upon my life as 'normal' amongst 'peers'
In that instant, I choose to be a real mum.
I choose to archive old nonsense that makes me look bad. Strangers don't deserve my last 6 years of life reduced down to 400+ posts, go suck me~.
Instead....
I choose to begin the journey of healing my addicted-brain, even if it takes some drastic re-wiring to not bop that same stupid cubic-area of the phone where Instagram used to be....
Instead, I choose to strive to be the creative, vividly present, passionate, aware and wonderful woman, mum and human being that I know I am deep down!
I choose to live life. I'm just so damn proud I got this far.
And well, if I have to pick my poison, I find Discord so much more healthier and it has undeniably helped me find all sorts of digital and irl communities that have helped me get back on my feet.
Anyways, here's the last Squashtobers for the first week's scifi theme. Dunno if I have time this month to keep it up as this is an extremely hectic month during which I have a wedding to attend. I'm only sketching out of sheer escapism. Can't scan the first one as I left it on K.I holiday house and also its too big for my scanner.
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